Maddie may have been taken by gang of swan eating, benefit scrounging, asylum seekers.

Missing British child, Madelaine McCann, is believed by many to have been snatched, to be trained as a banquet waitress, by a highly organised gang of asylum seekers who are also involved in a swan eating ring.

The evil plot is said to be itself part of an elaborate scheme to lower house prices in Britain, in readiness for a mass exodus from Johnny Foreigner Land on the same date as Princess ‘Peoples’ Princess’ Diana’s birthday. Probably. 

Mr Bombastic

Top boffins who’ll say anything for column inches, have said that should the plan succeed, combined with the eating of all the Special, Sacred, Churchillian Royal Swans, it would leave many Britons questioning their national identity.

Many may even start to think that they are French or even Bulgarian. This can sometimes lead to cancer of the apostate.

Rusty sheriff’s badge

Professional racist and general twat, Nick Griffin, of BNP fame, says that he is in no doubt that the gang behind Maddie’s disappearance are

“Probably not white, will support same sex marriage and more than likely follow one of those religions like Muslimism that I know fuck all about.”

The UK’s top bigot continued by stating that, should the British National Party ever be elected to power, he would bring back hanging for the offences of pacifism and not supporting our brave boys. “It’s time we stood up to those who undermine our society” said the toad-faced Question Time star.

Nonces

Since Maddie’s disappearance in 2007, only one person has been seriously questioned who looked anything like a paedophile. Local man, Robert Murat, was later released after it became clear that he had nothing to do with the events in question.

The spineless Portuguese locals then showed nauseating restraint, by failing to dish out some much needed mob justice. You can bet that if it had been one of their kids that had probably been taken by some swarthy Mediterranean type, they would have burned his house down in an orgy of misguided outrage quicker than you can say ‘lynched paediatrician’.

Typically, it’s one rule for them and another for the rest of us. However, a man that your correspondent met in a pub toilet last weekend said reassuringly

“There’s no smoke without fire. I’d have strung him up, just to be on the safe side. You can’t be too careful with these nutters. I’d pull the lever myself, I’ve always wanted to know what it’s like to kill someone.”

Thatcher’s thatch

The search continues for the missing Royal Swans. In fact resources have been  diverted from the McCann case to track them down, following our campaign, as HRH fancies one for Christmas dinner. But those evil, twisted, bogus aslyum seekers seem intent on filching them all for their own ends.

“It’s the thin end of the wedge” said ardent ‘Keep Britain White’ activist and keen Jobseeker’s Allowance recipient, Colin Pillock.

“I was born in this country and haven’t had a job for nine years. If anyone should be at the front of the queue for abducting British children and killing swans it should be people like me, not foreigns. It were the swans that won us the war weren’t it?”

World cup 1966

It now seems clear that the scope of this problem has managed to include nearly every fatuous and inflammatory topic that sells papers to the easily riled and malcontent masses.

Where reports of swan eating or sightings of Maddie with some unsavoury ethnic type will spring up next is any one’s guess; most likely when it’s raining and none of us can be arsed to leave the office to do some real journalism.

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About Sam Butler

Sam Butler is a journalist and writer from Bristol, UK. He has a degree in Criminology and Journalism from the University of the West of England. He is a staunch opposer of capital punishment and an advocate of penal and criminal justice reform. His first piece of academic work "The Edlington case: The media construction of crime and the role of the public criminologist in the reporting of serious crimes" is available upon request.
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