Coalition lunch run causes friction

The coalition has recently become seriously divided over Nick Clegg’s apparent inability to get the lunch run right.

Clegg -legend in his own lunchtime? "Not likely" says cabinet.

Tory rebels have stated that they will no longer follow party policy after members of the cabinet received incorrect sandwich fillings when Clegg went to the shop during the recess of a government meeting.

“I ordered coronation chicken and sweet corn” said Chancellor, George Osborne. “Nick came back with tuna and cucumber. This isn’t the kind of service expected from the Deputy Prime Minister.”

The culture of lunchtime blunders allegedly goes much deeper, even at number 10 the DPM apparently cannot get the order right. A senior member of security staff said to The Tooth:

“Clegg doesn’t know a cheese roll from a Swiss roll; he didn’t even remember that I have eight sugars. And he’s been getting my tea since the coalition took power. He’s totally useless.”

Prime Minister, David Cameron, has refused comment on the DPM’s dismissal, but it is strongly suspected that his recent about face on the forestry sell off was due to Mr Clegg presenting him with an egg salad sandwich, when he ordered a cheese and pickle at a recent Green Party conference meeting.

“This government is based on trust” Said Mr Cameron. “If my number two can’t even get my lunch right, how can I trust him with debating a replacement for the Trident system?”

It appears that the Lib Dems have a history of failed lunch policies. Ming Campbell is once quoted as saying that “You know you’re a Tory when you get what you ordered” Something that may have Mr Cameron realising that he is very much sharing power with the Liberals.

“We stopped at a petrol station on the way back from Hull last week” Said Mr Cameron. “I asked Nick to get me a pork and pickle lattice pie, he came back with a peppered steak slice and a bag of Frazzles. I was mortified!”

The situation is untenable. If the DPM cannot even get the lunch order right, why should the country trust him with tuition fees, or the economy? Mr Clegg is obviously woefully under qualified for his role and should be replaced with the senior Bank of England tea-lady at the soonest possible opportunity.


About Sam Butler

Sam Butler is a journalist and writer from Bristol, UK. He has a degree in Criminology and Journalism from the University of the West of England. He is a staunch opposer of capital punishment and an advocate of penal and criminal justice reform. His first piece of academic work "The Edlington case: The media construction of crime and the role of the public criminologist in the reporting of serious crimes" is available upon request.
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2 Responses to Coalition lunch run causes friction

  1. Some great reading sir

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