Coalition lunch run causes friction

The coalition has recently become seriously divided over Nick Clegg’s apparent inability to get the lunch run right.

Clegg -legend in his own lunchtime? "Not likely" says cabinet.

Tory rebels have stated that they will no longer follow party policy after members of the cabinet received incorrect sandwich fillings when Clegg went to the shop during the recess of a government meeting.

“I ordered coronation chicken and sweet corn” said Chancellor, George Osborne. “Nick came back with tuna and cucumber. This isn’t the kind of service expected from the Deputy Prime Minister.”

The culture of lunchtime blunders allegedly goes much deeper, even at number 10 the DPM apparently cannot get the order right. A senior member of security staff said to The Tooth:

“Clegg doesn’t know a cheese roll from a Swiss roll; he didn’t even remember that I have eight sugars. And he’s been getting my tea since the coalition took power. He’s totally useless.”

Prime Minister, David Cameron, has refused comment on the DPM’s dismissal, but it is strongly suspected that his recent about face on the forestry sell off was due to Mr Clegg presenting him with an egg salad sandwich, when he ordered a cheese and pickle at a recent Green Party conference meeting.

“This government is based on trust” Said Mr Cameron. “If my number two can’t even get my lunch right, how can I trust him with debating a replacement for the Trident system?”

It appears that the Lib Dems have a history of failed lunch policies. Ming Campbell is once quoted as saying that “You know you’re a Tory when you get what you ordered” Something that may have Mr Cameron realising that he is very much sharing power with the Liberals.

“We stopped at a petrol station on the way back from Hull last week” Said Mr Cameron. “I asked Nick to get me a pork and pickle lattice pie, he came back with a peppered steak slice and a bag of Frazzles. I was mortified!”

The situation is untenable. If the DPM cannot even get the lunch order right, why should the country trust him with tuition fees, or the economy? Mr Clegg is obviously woefully under qualified for his role and should be replaced with the senior Bank of England tea-lady at the soonest possible opportunity.

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Another f****ing blog entry about Wikileaks…

Events over the past few weeks have illustrated a not so astonishing parallel between certain elements in US politics and the elements of nations and factions that they usually so readily denounce and vilify.

I am, of course, talking about the Wikileaks fiasco. Or to use the cringe-worthy media analogy, ‘Cablegate’ and other ensuing leaks.

But, to add to America’s international image woes, the ex-Alaska governor and possible presidential candidate for 2012 was not the only US politician bandying fire and brimstone about in the media. Mike Huckabee, another Republican 2012 election candidate, has called for Julian Assange to be executed if caught, stating that he felt “anything less than execution is too kind a penalty”.

This was underlined by a former US political adviser to the Canadian Prime Minister, Tom Flanagan, stating on CBC that Julian Assange should be assassinated, advising Barak Obama to “put out a contract or use a drone or something”. If that was the kind of advice he gave the Canadian PM, it’s not surprising that he no longer occupies the position. The legal, logistical or moral dilemmas of such a move seem anathema to Mr Flanagan, which he has subsequently attempted to laugh off as a joke.

Since the events surrounding the latest round of the Wikigates (it’s fun, try it), prominent American political figures have levelled charges ranging from cyber-terrorism to treason at Assange and Manning. Given that Julian Assange is Australian, I’m not quite sure what Sarah Palin thinks the definition of treason is. Obviously anything that makes America look bad. That’s a long list….upon which, a not insignificant item, would be fatuous remarks made by public figures.

More recently, Republican congressman Peter King (are we seeing an ideological trend here?) has proposed that Wikileaks should be placed on a list of terrorist websites. The incoming chairman of the House Homeland Security Committee, claimed that the data breach was “worse than a military attack. I am calling on the attorney general and supporting his efforts to fully prosecute WikiLeaks and its founder for violating the Espionage Act”. The Democrats have seemed less vocal on the issue. Perhaps they are allowing their Republican colleagues enough rhetorical rope to hang themselves with?

If one casts one’s mind back, there have been a number of incidences of ‘state enemies’, ‘dissidents’ or ‘apostates’ having threats made on their lives, any number of death warrants issued for them and in some cases have been murdered by states that the US has always had such holier-than-thou attitudes to in the morality department.

Salman Rushdie’s fatwa, issued by Iran’s Ayatollah Ruhollah Khomeinl, called for all good Muslims to seize any opportunity to kill him or his publishers of The Satanic Verses. Slightly fewer than 40 people are known to have died in various incidents as a result of this fatwa, in what would be termed ‘collateral damage’ by the US.

Marxist theorist and high-critic of Joseph Stalin’s regime, Leon Trotsky, was assassinated by a Soviet agent while in exile in Mexico. Trotsky wrote many works in critique of the Soviet bureaucracy suggesting that it would end in failure through political revolution. Prior to his murder he had survived a number of assassination attempts by Stalin.

Both of these incidences seem reprehensible to a progressive democratic society. The right to freedom and free speech is a principle that the United States never ceases to expound. The ‘Tea Party’ political movement, of which Sarah Palin is a member, claims to be an American constitutional fundamentalist movement. A document which, through its Bill of Rights amendments, is intended to protect the right to free speech, life and liberty.  And yet there are public figures from the most powerful nation on the planet calling for the execution or assassination of a man that had, at that point, merely published a few embarrassing notes that they wrote, on the internet.

These vitriolic rantings are in addition to the cyber-attacks on Wikileaks servers and rape allegations against Julian Assange in suspicious timeliness, leads one to surmise that they are a smear campaign. A disproportionate reaction to getting a smattering of diplomatic egg on their already significantly eggy international face? A touch.

Perhaps Julian Assange was as unsurprised at the reaction to the initial leak as I was? After all, the allegations of rape by Swedish former colleague began long before the more recent and sensitive Wikileaks. They may well prove to be his undoing yet, in light of the arrest warrant issued by Interpol this week. Should he be extradited to Sweden to face the charges, he could possibly be extradited to the US under a1963 treaty between the two nations to “further the fight against international crime”.

The disparate extradition treaty that exists between Britain and the United States is the subject of much criticism. Just why Assange has chosen to subsequently publish the far more sensitive list of infrastructure and facilities in foreign countries crucial to U.S. interests is less clear. The list seems to serve no real useful purpose and will more than likely only serve to justify hyperbole and smite from Washington.

Perhaps in the face of death threats, character assassination and dirty tricks Assange simply thought: “F*ck it, in for a penny”

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Prisoners get to vote following campaign

History is to be made next month as British prisoners are granted voting rights.

The ground-breaking move follows the European Court of Human Rights (ECHR) ruling that the UK’s long-standing voting ban was unlawful and new legislation will come into force at midnight on December 31st.

The move would allow all of the 80,000 inmates in UK prisons, to participate in the great British tradition of reality television and pointless talent shows for the first time. Ministers have been advised that continuing to resist the ruling would lead to costly compensation pay outs.

The ECHR ruling in 2005 considered a “blanket ban” to be discriminatory in a case brought by convicted killer John Hirst, of Hull.

Channel 4 is already believed to be courting Peter Sutcliffe to host ‘X Con-Factor’ from his cell, a show where prisoners hoping for parole face the public vote.

It is thought that as many as 75% of UK prisoners watch shows such as X-Factor and Strictly Come Dancing. Big Brother proved unpopular as a concept with inmates; even more so when it became apparent how easy it was to escape from the BB house.

“It was a mug’s game” Said convicted burglar Tony Klepton. “My grandma could have absconded from the BB house.”

Mr Hirst told the BBC News: “”In this system where you’ve got a democracy, people can put pressure and lobby in parliament for changes in the law and improved conditions, but you can’t do that if you haven’t got the vote” he said.

“I also can’t wait for Wagner to be voted off, as he’s not taking the institution of democratic procedure seriously in my opinion.”

It is also alleged that convicted child killer Ian Huntley also wants the Brazillian ex-P.E. teacher gone, and has a particular fondness for 17 year old Cher Lloyd.

X-Factor boss Simon Cowell released this statement on the change: “Sod it, why not? That’s another 500,000 calls each week at £3 a shot, all courtesy of the tax-payer. I’m laughing all the way to the bank. Now fuck off.”

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Anti Social Behaviour Orders are have become valuable collector’s items following their discontinuation by Home Secretary Theresa May.

Any remaining ASBOs held by the Con-Dem coalition are being sold to the highest bidder in an effort to replenish depleted government coffers.

The sweeping change to one of the Blair government’s biggest social reforms has been received with cautious enthusiasm by those lucky enough to be in possession of one or more of the coveted civil orders.

Phil Grouting, 25, of Lyme-In-Water, Cumbria, was overjoyed to hear that his four ASBOs for common assault are now valuable family heirlooms. “I think it’s a really good move by the new government” said Grouting who received his first ASBO at the age of 18 after a drunken brawl at a local taxi rank.

“I’m thinking of putting my ASBOs into an ISA or something, but with things as they are the market could change at any time, especially in light of the VAT increase in January.”

The value of ASBOs could overinflate rapidly as thousands rush to swap with one another in an effort to gain complete sets in certain areas such as public order or nuisance behaviour.

The market is currently swamped with alcohol related offences, with public urination and fly-tipping a close second and third. What have been coined ‘Golden ASBOs’, those awarded to the over 60s, are fetching seemingly limitless sums.

Mrs Dorothy Polyp, 76, of Enid Blyton, Surrey, sold her single 2006 order for repeatedly shouting at her television for a staggering £18,547 to an anonymous collector on eBay.

“I couldn’t believe it” Mrs Polyp told us, “I’ve just been using it as a doorstop since I got it, I never thought it’d be worth anything. Obviously there’s the sentimental value, but with winter just around the corner and gas prices like they are, I just had to let it go.

The police are never away from my nephew’s door, so I expect he’s got a few tucked away somewhere.”

Exotic specimens of ‘windmilling’ and ‘theatrical sexual intercourse’ are alleged to have fetched six figure sums, proving particularly popular among Russian oligarchs looking for new areas of investment.

The current ASBO bonanza is the result of one of the coalition’s more popular reforms. With public confidence at an all-time low and financial austerity biting at the ankles of all but the super-rich this will no doubt provide a much needed feel-good factor.

Will the sudden creation of a nouveau riche result in a wave of ASBO yuppies? Only this week, the UK’s first Aftershock fountain was installed at a house in Portsmouth and there are reports, as yet unsubstantiated, of record sales of Intimately Beckham and 24 carat gold belly bars.

The ASBO boom looks set to continue despite warnings from top economists of a tulipomania style crash if rampant trading continues unregulated.

The speculative bubble has been likened by BBC business editor Robert Peston to the housing boom under New Labour or those Pog things from years ago.

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Maddie may have been taken by gang of swan eating, benefit scrounging, asylum seekers.

Missing British child, Madelaine McCann, is believed by many to have been snatched, to be trained as a banquet waitress, by a highly organised gang of asylum seekers who are also involved in a swan eating ring.

The evil plot is said to be itself part of an elaborate scheme to lower house prices in Britain, in readiness for a mass exodus from Johnny Foreigner Land on the same date as Princess ‘Peoples’ Princess’ Diana’s birthday. Probably. 

Mr Bombastic

Top boffins who’ll say anything for column inches, have said that should the plan succeed, combined with the eating of all the Special, Sacred, Churchillian Royal Swans, it would leave many Britons questioning their national identity.

Many may even start to think that they are French or even Bulgarian. This can sometimes lead to cancer of the apostate.

Rusty sheriff’s badge

Professional racist and general twat, Nick Griffin, of BNP fame, says that he is in no doubt that the gang behind Maddie’s disappearance are

“Probably not white, will support same sex marriage and more than likely follow one of those religions like Muslimism that I know fuck all about.”

The UK’s top bigot continued by stating that, should the British National Party ever be elected to power, he would bring back hanging for the offences of pacifism and not supporting our brave boys. “It’s time we stood up to those who undermine our society” said the toad-faced Question Time star.


Since Maddie’s disappearance in 2007, only one person has been seriously questioned who looked anything like a paedophile. Local man, Robert Murat, was later released after it became clear that he had nothing to do with the events in question.

The spineless Portuguese locals then showed nauseating restraint, by failing to dish out some much needed mob justice. You can bet that if it had been one of their kids that had probably been taken by some swarthy Mediterranean type, they would have burned his house down in an orgy of misguided outrage quicker than you can say ‘lynched paediatrician’.

Typically, it’s one rule for them and another for the rest of us. However, a man that your correspondent met in a pub toilet last weekend said reassuringly

“There’s no smoke without fire. I’d have strung him up, just to be on the safe side. You can’t be too careful with these nutters. I’d pull the lever myself, I’ve always wanted to know what it’s like to kill someone.”

Thatcher’s thatch

The search continues for the missing Royal Swans. In fact resources have been  diverted from the McCann case to track them down, following our campaign, as HRH fancies one for Christmas dinner. But those evil, twisted, bogus aslyum seekers seem intent on filching them all for their own ends.

“It’s the thin end of the wedge” said ardent ‘Keep Britain White’ activist and keen Jobseeker’s Allowance recipient, Colin Pillock.

“I was born in this country and haven’t had a job for nine years. If anyone should be at the front of the queue for abducting British children and killing swans it should be people like me, not foreigns. It were the swans that won us the war weren’t it?”

World cup 1966

It now seems clear that the scope of this problem has managed to include nearly every fatuous and inflammatory topic that sells papers to the easily riled and malcontent masses.

Where reports of swan eating or sightings of Maddie with some unsavoury ethnic type will spring up next is any one’s guess; most likely when it’s raining and none of us can be arsed to leave the office to do some real journalism.

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New Robbin’ Robin Hood Tax set to make poverty pay for itself

David Cameron is to introduce a new levy on poverty, in an effort to stem the tide of public spending. The radical move would be the first time ever that people would be charged for the free social service of being broke.

"Stand and deliver povs!" Says Cameron

“We live in a time when poverty is everywhere” said Mr Cameron, the youngest prime minister in 200 years. “I think that it is high time that those who have enjoyed poverty for so long be made to shoulder of the cost of that poverty.”

Chancellor, George Osbourne, has backed the Prime Minister and says that a sliding scale would be used to assess how much people will owe.

Those that are just-a-bit-short will pay less, whereas the truly brassic will pay considerably more.

“The profligacy and squander of New Labour is over. Those that have grown fat on the spoils of poverty will no longer be able to bleed the rich and affluent dry.”

The much touted “Robbin’ Robin Hood Tax” will be aimed at only the ‘super-poor’ whom the Coalition say should shoulder the heaviest burden.

Liberal Democrat Deputy Prime Minister, Nick Clegg, was unavailable for comment as he was out on the cabinet lunch run. But when asked if his party agreed with the new system,  was he selling out his left wing supporters and values.

Mr Clegg’s deputy, the dog from the Churchill Insurance advert, issued this statement: “Oooooh yes” to the former and “Ooooh no, no, no, no” to the latter.

The cost of poverty has risen. But does this mean that those who take advantage of it should be made to pay more for the privilege? If not, who should?

Taxing the balls off commercial banking has been floated, by many, as the answer to every problem from climate change to what to do if a red sock finds its way into a whites wash. So perhaps Mr Cameron and his chums have found the perfect solution to an imperfect problem – let those who seek to benefit from poverty, pay for it.

The Prime Minister summed up by offering a glittering vision of the future: “This system of self-sufficient destitution will let your children and your children’s children be able to enjoy the benefits of abject poverty, for generations to come.”

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